Patriot missive

This post started off as a comment to divster's article and as usual I ended up indulging myself. I am extremely apprehensive about posting this. But I guess I'll go ahead anyway. I guess the brickbats wont affect me since I am the doppelganger. (heh heh heh)

Frankly I think most of the decisions about settling down are based on the sole issue of money. I guess there are a lot of people with values, but my incurable cynicism and the incredible statistics tell me that this is not about patriotism or family values or anything like that. We live in a time when patriotism really has such little meaning. The historical background for feeling a sense of patriotism is gone and the seamless globalization prevalent nowadays is not helping the cause. Coming to "being close to the family". There is a tremendous contradiction there. All through the sixties and seventies when India was going through turbulent times, the NRI return percentage was close to zero. In fact, people were even tempted by family et. al to try their fortunes abroad. India was abandoned as a sort of hopeless place for the development of an enterprising individual. Cut to the 21st century, where by some slingshot of fortune, a certain Manmohan Singh and the undying "Indian spirit", we have been catapulted into a position of power and potency. Urban India can compete with many cities on a wide range of counts.

Put yourself in an NRI's shoes. Here in the US, you are a second rate citizen, just another of a plethora of rich people. If you come back to India, because of the multiplicative factor of 42, you can answer all the questions of life and realise your dreams. You will be treated like a king. You can enjoy all the clubs and pubs and parties and be hailed a great patriot, the saviour who has come to deliver us. And this is just the minor reason. The major reason, of course is that the most promising emerging market is in India. If you ever had the slightest idea about starting a company, the place for enterprise is India. You can be CEO of some company which does exactly what a 100 companies around the world do, but because you have experience with the Indian market, you can harness every sixth customer in the world.

And then you can decorate this fully (though I hate to use the word) "selfish" pursuit with things like family values. All through the article thirty something wives harp about their children getting a shot of culture(like it was possible). Like their once in a lifetime pilgrimage to India is going to save their souls from purgatory. I would like to ask any of these people if they could live away from the metropolitans, say in a place like Agra or something. Can any of these parents or their children actually embrace "true" Indian culture with its restrictions and all. Methinks not. They are back here because the socio - culturo - economical landscape has changed so much that it is very close to something in the US. And you can still hear grumbling noises within. The "schools aren't upto the mark", "do they hit the children", "is this water boiled", "we dont go to the temple cos there's religion everywhere". The truth really is that urban India has afforded a false environment in which these people can live exactly like before, but I am sorry to inform them that this is not INDIA.

I guess I have been caustic as usual but the truth is its a really complicated issue especially with the amorphous meaning of patriotism in our times. I personally think that we really should not make a big deal about people who are making a glorious return. In fact it was quite funny when, about a year ago, the US and Indian government hailed the Indian american community. That, I feel epitomised the meaninglessness of patriotism in our times. Two countries had no regrets about citizen traffic since the cash registers were ringing on both sides. The individual today is pretty much the same. Like Frank Zappa said, " We're all in it for the money".


P.S. Frank Zappa also said " Rock journalism is about people who cant write interviewing people who cant talk for people for people who cant read."

Hemlock with Karan

STATUTORY WARNING: Prepare yourselves well before you read this blog. Dont be shocked by its alternately caustic and vitriolic nature. And before you judge me, spare a thought for the kind of trauma I have gone through, from which I am trying to redeem myself by writing this blog. Okay, okay..... I'll stop ranting and lets just cut to the chase. I have just watched the whole first season(??!!) of Koffee with Karan. Period. And now I am a confirmed nihilist.

Disclamer: The show "Koffee with Karan" does not bear the slightest resemblance to anything in the real world and if you believe that the people on it are real people with brains and souls and all, you might as well believe that the world is flat and further, .... hope you fall off it some day.

Stupid part of Karan's mind: I have made three wonderful movies which embody the importance of human relationships. I have made amazing movies which absolutely everybody in society can relate to. At the base of all my movies is love and human emotion. It doesn't matter if you are a child labourer living in Dharavi. You can still empathise with Kareena's dress sense. You can still understand how some people in society can just lounge around and own large khaandani businesses.

Sensible part of Karan's mind: zzzzzzzzzz..

Stupid part of Karan's mind: Now, I think I have achieved so much in cinema that I need to explore new frontiers. And shower the world with my talent in whatever way I can. Let me think........... what would be a fun thing to do.................... where I can continue to not use my mind and just use my father's contacts................. hmmm.............. I know a lot of stars. Why not start a talk show. They'll surely oblige me, dont you think. Of course they will they'll kiss my ass for an item number in my movie. Thats a nice sort of arrangement. Hmm..................

Sensible part of Karan's mind: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...................

Recent studies of the mortal remains of Yash Johar have shown that the gene which codes for the sensible part of the mind has been severely repressed for several generations and will continue to be so, until these doyens of Indian cinema continue to pick their spouses from the fantastic collection of bimbos in Bollywood.

I am just guessing that what I have just written above is one of the plausible stories. The others include severe brain haemmorhage suffered by Karan at childhood, an unwitting accession to do a brain transplant, keeping in line with Bollywood stories and excessive interaction with the likes of Preity Zinta and Rani Mukherjee who are axiomatically braindead.

The scene opens with some cheap music and when the spotlight shines, there is the MAN(??) himself, happy and gay, smiling cheesily at you. Dont be deceived. What will follow is going to be mind numbing. An evil plan by the whole of Bollywood to prepare you for the kind of movies they make. Kkkkk karan then begins an elaborate introduction of his "guests" (you might as well read servants) and in your weaker moments would have you believe that guys like Fardeen Khan, Preity Zinta and Kareena Kapoor are artistes (notice the extra e). While really they are just a work of art. What will follow is a parade of idiots, naked in their ignorance and proud to display their stupid selves to the world. With origins north of the Vindhyas and sensibilities south of the south pole. They walk in with the most chic designer wear and complete the whole ritual of kissing and hugging and then settle down to put their mind and bodies at rest.

Stage 1:
Now the MAN jumps in and throws up a barrage of sweet comments congratulating his guests on their recent movies. And then what does the guest do. Well...... there are two options. One is the tested path; of modesty saying it was all "God's grace" (read godfather's grace) and that they really didn't expect it and all that. But that is passe. We live in a time when we celebrate our successes immodestly and arrogance is another dimension of confidence. So you could also say that " you were expecting it all the while. otherwise you would never have made the movie at all". And then, set off castigating critics and telling them they know nothing about cinema and should stop making uninformed comments.

Stage 2:

Karan uses his amazing persuasive powers to get stories which Stardust failed to do at gunpoint.
The usual conversation goes like:

Karan: So what was that controversy about you possessing cocaine and methamphetamines. That must have been hard on you?
Star: Yeah. I just think it was blown out of proportion by (guess who?) THE MEDIA. It was a misunderstanding and people just wanted to target me because of age old rivalries. But the good thing is my family stood by me and thats whats matters.
Aside: Lemme clarify a few things here. You were caught with cocaine. Usually that means getting sodomized third degree and 10 years in jail, provided you aren't afforded the blessing of a custodial death. And the MEDIA really wouldn't want to target you. The best way is to let you self-destruct with those ridiculous movies you are making

Karan: We have been hearing rumours about you and Kareena. whats that all about.
Star: This is just baseless. Me and Kareena are just friends. Just because I kissed her in public and said she has a cute ass doesn't mean we are linked. This is all societal perception. We are just BUDDIES.
Aside: Yeah right. All societal perception. How backward can this society be. I mean we live in such permissive times. So depressing!

Stage 3:

Rapid fire round

Of course bollywood jokers cant handle this kinda stuff. I mean they cant put five lines of sense in a movie made over 3 years.

anyway here goes. We are competing for the glorious coffee hamper.......... doesn't sound attractive ........... okay how about a KOFFEE HAMPER.

Q: Whose your favorite: Kareena, Mallika, Preity
A: I really cant choose, you know. Everyone is a sweeeeetheart!

Q: Favorite movie: Dil Chahta Hai or Sholay
A: I have to say Sholay, or else people will think I dont have taste for the classics

Q: Favorite actress of all time
A (Thinking: I obviously cant say mamta kulkarni, lemme think of some old actress.. .hmmm. ) Madhubala.... oh she's an absolute classic ( Karan nods solemnly)

Q: Favorite director
A:(heh... heh. ... trick question ... spotted it) Its you Karan (........Karan laughing like a transvestite)

Q: What is your level of education?
A; Tenth grade. You know, I always knew I was going to be nothing but an actor

Q: When did your brains fall out?
A: huh??

Q: Plans for marriage (and Karan gives one sick marriage planner look)
A: You know, I am not ready for the commitment. I am still to beat my dad's record of sleeping with the maximum number of women. But marriage is surely on the cards. Its the only way these rare genes of mine can be prevented from natural elimination.

Q: Worst moment of your life
A; You know those two hours in jail when i was caught for carrying some strange white powder. That was the worst. Worse than the downtrip I had the previous night.

Q: Best BUDDY
A: You know there are so many of them. Of course there's YOU, Karan.....

and on and on and on...................

The thing that really irritates me is that these stupid nautanki actors actually think they represent Indian art. They have absolutely no training and are proud of it. Their understanding of cinema is limited to the bunch of crappy popular movies which they watched in childhood. Which probably explains how shamelessly candid they are when they say " I believe in commercial cinema". Its not like its a goddamn religion. Its like believing in brothels or something. A bunch of people who did not know what to do with their sick lives at 18 just jump in and act like asses in movies written by equally dimwitted writers, who have no literary experience with english or hindi. And we the masses, being exposed only to this appalling quality, actually discern some of these to be good. All you have to do for critical acclaim is act as a whore or a disabled person and the whole cinematic community starts showering you with praises. And then you can go about hollering that you have done art cinema as well as commercial cinema. Of course you choose your scripts with care and do something which inspires you.

Here's what I think about the popular Hindi film industry. They are a bunch of suckers, born with silver spoons in their mouths. With absolutely no sense of class or taste, they proceed to make movies which reflect the void in their heads and souls. All they manage to achieve is to make sick dream portrayals with zero sensibility. Further, they have the cheek to call themselves artistes when they really dont deserve more respect than B- grade actors. They need to ape western fashion and learn that sick saccharine sweet social conversational style to act "oh so international" when their real acting credentials equates them with Laetitia Casta .........minus the beauty. They love the tulips in holland, the wine in paris and the clothes in new york which they need to hide their amorphous personality

match-fixers

Have you observed these irritating popups which are graciously given free with your Yahoo mail inbox. If you are with Yahoo india, you have probably seen loads and loads of girls staring cheesily at you and beckoning you to tie the knot. They have these innocuous names like Ruchi/Priya/Pooja/Divya followed by an even more cliched Sharma/Verma/Joshi. There is one thing which has constantly baffled me about these matrimony sites. They seem to have the same poster girls for months. I mean, thats SHOCKING. If you cant get your poster girls married off in six months, you have no business running a matrimony site. Whats to happen of the other not so well qualified, not so young people. Surely there's huge money to make in the online matrimony business, if your competition is as goofy as this. I mean, the least you can do is to change the poster girls real frequently; make it appear like girls are being taken like hot cakes. Put in some artificial demand and at least make it appear like you are doing something.

However that is not the most outrageous thing about these sites. The most outrageous thing is you can create a profile for somebody else........OPENLY. There are profiles which read like " My sister is very beautiful, very smart...blahblahblah". Thats frikkin suicide baby. Are you stupid or did you forget you are next in line. The most entertaining part, of course, is the hobbies section. I mean do you really think you can fool the world with stuff like "watching sunset", "observing cloud shapes", "chatting", "reading magazines", "cricket". Why dont you just come clean and say you are a couch potato or a wastrel. Chatting is absolutely unacceptable. It is an apology for a hobby. So you pick up the phone and bitch about your boss. Wow! You're the girl of my dreams.

And this hobbies scam is not limited to matrimony sites. Any kind of application form from company recruitment to B-school applications to Scholarship forms. Everybody pretends to be really interested in everything but your GPA. So when you apply for any of these, you need to come face to face with your past life and somehow cover up the fact that you wasted away most of your life. So there is this whole genre of things which function as pseudohobbies. A few examples are
1. Sitting and contemplating about life - Indicating you are a goof-off in general
2. Watching sports - Indicating you are a general couch potato. People might try fooling you with high flown stuff like formula-1, X-games, etc. but they are all essentially the same category.
3. Politics - This means you probably read the headline written in 45 size font on the front page. Otherwise you have developed this intuitive skill and the predictive capacity of what generally happens in politics.
4. Stamp collecting - the eternal scandal. Simplest hobby to incorporate on your resume. All you need to know is that helvetia = switzerland and that england has a goofy head of queen liz.
5. Collecting matchbox labels - A little more innovative than stamps. Slightly dangerous if the interviewer is a smoker. So make sure you know some generic names.
6. Blogging - A sophisticated name for chatting. You can sit and write absolutely arbitrary stuff about anything under the sun and act like you are doing something literary.
7. Travelling - Means your parents have pots of money and you just blow it all up exploring pubs in different cities
8. Eating - This is the absolute limit. People who just spend half their life at crappy fast food joints call themselves "foodies" and act like sommeliers. These people "live to eat" to quote a cliche and they "will not trade anything for home food" to quote another.
9. Sketching and Painting - Extremely safe option. Odds are they will never ask you to draw anything and even if they do, you can always pull out a postmodernist impression of a lobster using a telephone by scribbling on the page.

exclusion principle

If there is one thing I hate more than anything else, it is pop culture. The craze of blending into the masses makes my insides bleed. The loss of individuality to a certain extent so as to become more "acceptable" and "hep" unsettles me. Dont get me wrong here. I am not one of those weird punks who advocate nudist parties or satan worship or anything. I understand perfectly that we are social animals (yeah, in fact some of us are what is referred to in the entertainment biz as "party animals"). Through an elaborate process of evolution, we have realised that sticking together and bouncing ideas off each other, is the best way forward. So while our simian counterparts still hang around in the jungles of Africa stark naked and trying to break twigs, we have leaped far ahead of them.

What I mean by pop culture is the seemingly arbitrary and sometimes selfishly motivated definitions of "cool" , "hip" and "happening". Assuming we have an understanding of these words................whats that you said............you dont?????. Come on. "Go get a life!" ( For the uninitiated, the last line was an example of "cool" things to say ). So, we go ahead and buy shirts with Reebok and Nike splattered all over them ( and hopefully the spellings are right and the swoosh is the right way), we listen to the latest death metal and somehow seamlessly empathize with whatever they are going on hollering about. Some of us even take to the bottle or the bong for the one reason that it is "cool".

So as I see it, humans are always trying to be a part of a larger social group and 0nce they identify which group that is (ranging from scientology proponents to psychology geeks.. .....(oops, maybe thats not the best pair to have chosen, but anyway)), they are even willing to undergo a behavioral mutation so as to be viewed as "one of them". But something makes me think that there are other, contradictory vibes within us. If we look closely, all through our lives we are trying to find a "niche" for ourselves. We are trying to separate ourselves from the larger group and prove ourselves smarter, richer, bigger, stronger, whatev...er (haha, cruel joke, huh!). I think it is this contradiction which is the primary cause of confusion; which gives rise to the need of "finding oneself", so to say. How do we place ourselves in this social setup so that, while we are not viewed as mediocres, we are also saved from the ignominy of being in a group that is too exclusive for our own likes.

P.S. Was reading this blog by somebody which talked about this guy who's basically an overachiever and ends up losing out on the social scene. With all due respect, I think the article was written with poor perspective and spoke disparagingly of the "loser" guy. Most guys of this kind are just lost because they are not able to find that right balance between excluding oneself from the group by way of his achievements and including yourself in a social group who will accept you as one of them. Why would the social group include him if he's interested in classical music and watches Discovery. In that case, is it his mistake or is it the group's mistake in not accepting a person as an element of diversity but trying to cast him in a mould.