Hemlock with Karan

STATUTORY WARNING: Prepare yourselves well before you read this blog. Dont be shocked by its alternately caustic and vitriolic nature. And before you judge me, spare a thought for the kind of trauma I have gone through, from which I am trying to redeem myself by writing this blog. Okay, okay..... I'll stop ranting and lets just cut to the chase. I have just watched the whole first season(??!!) of Koffee with Karan. Period. And now I am a confirmed nihilist.

Disclamer: The show "Koffee with Karan" does not bear the slightest resemblance to anything in the real world and if you believe that the people on it are real people with brains and souls and all, you might as well believe that the world is flat and further, .... hope you fall off it some day.

Stupid part of Karan's mind: I have made three wonderful movies which embody the importance of human relationships. I have made amazing movies which absolutely everybody in society can relate to. At the base of all my movies is love and human emotion. It doesn't matter if you are a child labourer living in Dharavi. You can still empathise with Kareena's dress sense. You can still understand how some people in society can just lounge around and own large khaandani businesses.

Sensible part of Karan's mind: zzzzzzzzzz..

Stupid part of Karan's mind: Now, I think I have achieved so much in cinema that I need to explore new frontiers. And shower the world with my talent in whatever way I can. Let me think........... what would be a fun thing to do.................... where I can continue to not use my mind and just use my father's contacts................. hmmm.............. I know a lot of stars. Why not start a talk show. They'll surely oblige me, dont you think. Of course they will they'll kiss my ass for an item number in my movie. Thats a nice sort of arrangement. Hmm..................

Sensible part of Karan's mind: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...................

Recent studies of the mortal remains of Yash Johar have shown that the gene which codes for the sensible part of the mind has been severely repressed for several generations and will continue to be so, until these doyens of Indian cinema continue to pick their spouses from the fantastic collection of bimbos in Bollywood.

I am just guessing that what I have just written above is one of the plausible stories. The others include severe brain haemmorhage suffered by Karan at childhood, an unwitting accession to do a brain transplant, keeping in line with Bollywood stories and excessive interaction with the likes of Preity Zinta and Rani Mukherjee who are axiomatically braindead.

The scene opens with some cheap music and when the spotlight shines, there is the MAN(??) himself, happy and gay, smiling cheesily at you. Dont be deceived. What will follow is going to be mind numbing. An evil plan by the whole of Bollywood to prepare you for the kind of movies they make. Kkkkk karan then begins an elaborate introduction of his "guests" (you might as well read servants) and in your weaker moments would have you believe that guys like Fardeen Khan, Preity Zinta and Kareena Kapoor are artistes (notice the extra e). While really they are just a work of art. What will follow is a parade of idiots, naked in their ignorance and proud to display their stupid selves to the world. With origins north of the Vindhyas and sensibilities south of the south pole. They walk in with the most chic designer wear and complete the whole ritual of kissing and hugging and then settle down to put their mind and bodies at rest.

Stage 1:
Now the MAN jumps in and throws up a barrage of sweet comments congratulating his guests on their recent movies. And then what does the guest do. Well...... there are two options. One is the tested path; of modesty saying it was all "God's grace" (read godfather's grace) and that they really didn't expect it and all that. But that is passe. We live in a time when we celebrate our successes immodestly and arrogance is another dimension of confidence. So you could also say that " you were expecting it all the while. otherwise you would never have made the movie at all". And then, set off castigating critics and telling them they know nothing about cinema and should stop making uninformed comments.

Stage 2:

Karan uses his amazing persuasive powers to get stories which Stardust failed to do at gunpoint.
The usual conversation goes like:

Karan: So what was that controversy about you possessing cocaine and methamphetamines. That must have been hard on you?
Star: Yeah. I just think it was blown out of proportion by (guess who?) THE MEDIA. It was a misunderstanding and people just wanted to target me because of age old rivalries. But the good thing is my family stood by me and thats whats matters.
Aside: Lemme clarify a few things here. You were caught with cocaine. Usually that means getting sodomized third degree and 10 years in jail, provided you aren't afforded the blessing of a custodial death. And the MEDIA really wouldn't want to target you. The best way is to let you self-destruct with those ridiculous movies you are making

Karan: We have been hearing rumours about you and Kareena. whats that all about.
Star: This is just baseless. Me and Kareena are just friends. Just because I kissed her in public and said she has a cute ass doesn't mean we are linked. This is all societal perception. We are just BUDDIES.
Aside: Yeah right. All societal perception. How backward can this society be. I mean we live in such permissive times. So depressing!

Stage 3:

Rapid fire round

Of course bollywood jokers cant handle this kinda stuff. I mean they cant put five lines of sense in a movie made over 3 years.

anyway here goes. We are competing for the glorious coffee hamper.......... doesn't sound attractive ........... okay how about a KOFFEE HAMPER.

Q: Whose your favorite: Kareena, Mallika, Preity
A: I really cant choose, you know. Everyone is a sweeeeetheart!

Q: Favorite movie: Dil Chahta Hai or Sholay
A: I have to say Sholay, or else people will think I dont have taste for the classics

Q: Favorite actress of all time
A (Thinking: I obviously cant say mamta kulkarni, lemme think of some old actress.. .hmmm. ) Madhubala.... oh she's an absolute classic ( Karan nods solemnly)

Q: Favorite director
A:(heh... heh. ... trick question ... spotted it) Its you Karan (........Karan laughing like a transvestite)

Q: What is your level of education?
A; Tenth grade. You know, I always knew I was going to be nothing but an actor

Q: When did your brains fall out?
A: huh??

Q: Plans for marriage (and Karan gives one sick marriage planner look)
A: You know, I am not ready for the commitment. I am still to beat my dad's record of sleeping with the maximum number of women. But marriage is surely on the cards. Its the only way these rare genes of mine can be prevented from natural elimination.

Q: Worst moment of your life
A; You know those two hours in jail when i was caught for carrying some strange white powder. That was the worst. Worse than the downtrip I had the previous night.

Q: Best BUDDY
A: You know there are so many of them. Of course there's YOU, Karan.....

and on and on and on...................

The thing that really irritates me is that these stupid nautanki actors actually think they represent Indian art. They have absolutely no training and are proud of it. Their understanding of cinema is limited to the bunch of crappy popular movies which they watched in childhood. Which probably explains how shamelessly candid they are when they say " I believe in commercial cinema". Its not like its a goddamn religion. Its like believing in brothels or something. A bunch of people who did not know what to do with their sick lives at 18 just jump in and act like asses in movies written by equally dimwitted writers, who have no literary experience with english or hindi. And we the masses, being exposed only to this appalling quality, actually discern some of these to be good. All you have to do for critical acclaim is act as a whore or a disabled person and the whole cinematic community starts showering you with praises. And then you can go about hollering that you have done art cinema as well as commercial cinema. Of course you choose your scripts with care and do something which inspires you.

Here's what I think about the popular Hindi film industry. They are a bunch of suckers, born with silver spoons in their mouths. With absolutely no sense of class or taste, they proceed to make movies which reflect the void in their heads and souls. All they manage to achieve is to make sick dream portrayals with zero sensibility. Further, they have the cheek to call themselves artistes when they really dont deserve more respect than B- grade actors. They need to ape western fashion and learn that sick saccharine sweet social conversational style to act "oh so international" when their real acting credentials equates them with Laetitia Casta .........minus the beauty. They love the tulips in holland, the wine in paris and the clothes in new york which they need to hide their amorphous personality